Life in the Fast Lane

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Last night I was having dinner with a friend of mine and we started talking about children.  She's a newlywed and considering her first and had asked me if my husband and I had talked about when we might start trying for our second.  When thinking about it, I told her that I'd like to get pregnant again very soon.  Since Dex is only 6 months old and the first 5 months of his life were absolutely miserable for everyone in our household due to colic, it seemed almost comical that I would even consider having another one any time in the near future.  But when asked, my reasoning behind having another baby so soon was to "get it over with."  I wanted to have another child so I could get the pregnancy over with, get the dreadful labor over with, get those first really difficult sleepless months over with.  Ya know, so my life could begin again.

 As I was having mental flashbacks of the endless hours of screaming I endured, my friend beamed at the idea of having a tiny sweet baby all her own.  And in a moment, I had this alarming dose of reality hit me like a hard slap in the face.  I thought, "One day in my not so far off future, I am going to wish to God that I could go back in time and experience the first few months and years of my children's lives all over again, and here I am, trying to hurry up and get it out of the way."  I felt this blanket of shame come over me.  I can be such an ingrate at times.   I was literally wishing the life of my second child away before he or she was even born.  And the truth is... my life, ALL life is just a blip.  We are here today and gone tomorrow and here I am wishing away precious time because motherhood is a bumpy road.  Because I have suffered a teency bit.  What a shameful perspective.  What a cry baby I am!  This suffering, this motherhood drama, while incredibly difficult, has taught me a ton about myself, about my husband, and most importantly about love.  Love is not sunshine and roses.  Love is HARD!!!  Love is WORK.  Real love is sacrificial, it's a bit messy, it's exhausting, but it's beautiful.  It's a miracle and every single solitary moment of it should be cherished.  I should steep in it like tea. Marinate.  Life should certainly not be taken for granted so I can rush through and get to what I presume will be the good part.  Where am I rushing off to?  Joy, in spite of circumstance is available right now.  Right this very second.  It's almost comical when I think about it.  Where is it that I'm trying to go at lightening speed? Do I think that toddlers will be much easier?  Am I trying to hurry up and move on to that oh so fun teenager stage I keep hearing so many wonderful things about?  Maybe in a rush to grow old?  I bet that's a ton of fun!  

Here, in this very moment I have it all.  Today, with my incoming Spring cold, my teething 6 month old who is now waking up from his nap an hour too early...today is the day that the Lord made.  It is beautiful.  It is tough. But I should be glad.  Because it is absolutely perfect and filled with a really messy, difficult love that I should never wish to trade for a simple existence devoid of the stuff noble character is made of.  The suffering is what makes it beautiful. That sounds nuts but like David says, "It is good for me to be afflicted that I may learn thy statues" Psalm 119:71.  Without the hard part, the afflictions, the labor pains, I couldn't possibly begin to understand God's love.  So now I'm going to go upstairs and take my son out of his crib and instead of putting him in his bouncy while I scroll Facebook and wish for a bit more free time, I'm going to drink him in, and spend every minute of the rest of my day thanking God for the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes along with being a mother.

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