Because I don’t trust You, God.

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For some reason, as I fell asleep last night I started to think about this blog.  Was I done writing?  Should I just take it offline or is there any point of keeping it up if I rarely use it?  I decided that it might be time to say a little prayer regarding the state of 52 Prayers since I didn’t know which direction to take it.

And so, I closed my eyes and thanked God for the opportunity I had last year to write.  I thanked Him for having become a Christian.  I thanked Him for how much I was able to learn about other religions and for all the great people I was introduced to last year.  And then, I asked that He show me how to proceed.

As I closed out my prayers in my usual fashion, a little thought popped up in my head.  “Why aren’t you reading your Bible anymore?”  Without a moment’s hesitation, I quickly fought to ignore that soft still voice.

I hurried to turn on the TV.  As usual, I couldn’t figure out what button I needed to press on the remote in order to get the darn thing on.  I called down for Patrick who was still working downstairs.  There was no answer.

Frustrated, I worked up a sweat to get my growing pregnant belly in a more comfortable position and tried again to turn it on.  “I hate this stupid TV!” I said out loud while placing a pillow in between my knees.

Feeling defeated, I closed my eyes again while trying to change the subject of my mental chatter and fall asleep.  “Why aren’t you reading your Bible anymore?”  There it was again. I fought the urge to ignore the thought and finally decided after about 4 months of watching my Bible gather dust; it was time for me to take a look at this.

“Well God, I’m not reading anymore because….”  For a moment, while staring up at my ceiling, I actually thought about lying to Him.  Maybe providing a bit of lip service to soften the blow.  I mean, how do you explain to someone why you haven’t been interested in what they’ve had to say in 4 months?  After quickly realizing doing so would be pointless, I proceeded.

“Well, I haven’t picked up my Bible because I haven’t been interested in what you have to say.” 

Ouch.  I thought.  That’s really cold.  But hey, the truth will set me free right?  I kept going…. “That yearning I had to read the Book and figure it all out just kinda disappeared when the project ended.”

“But Why?”  God asked.

It dawned on me that I hadn’t taken the time to answer that question myself.  I obviously noticed that Scripture had all but disappeared from my life after saturating my mind with it for months.  Maybe I was too afraid of what the answer might be?  I had been too ashamed of the fact that I’ve been ignoring God after all He had done for me that I refused to address the problem.   Truth was; I was petrified that maybe there wasn’t any way to fix it.

“Well…here we are.”  God said.  “You have the time.  So think about it and answer me.  Why aren’t you reading your Bible anymore?”

I sat for about a minute silently trying to answer the question honestly.  Why wasn’t I reading?  What was really going on here?  How did I go from listening to the Bible on my ipod, reading it at stop lights in my car, and memorizing Scripture every night to just totally abandoning the whole thing?”

I just started spilling it.  “I’m mad at you.  I really felt like if I studied hard enough, if I was good enough, if I obeyed enough that you’d give me the answers I was looking for.  But you didn’t.  I am more confused after this year than I was when I started.  And I’m embarrassed of that fact because I told anyone who would listen how the truth was in your Word.  I guess I feel like you failed me God.  You never came through on your promise of giving me the truth even though I spent much of my time seeking it.   I was one of those people who thought if you wanted it enough, that you’d know the hidden meaning of the Bible, and those who didn’t understand the doctrine of God were because they were lazy or just didn't want to change their ways.  They didn’t read enough.  They didn’t care enough and just believed what their church wanted them to.   But if they really loved you, they’d know the truth.  I thought you promised that.  But I love you, Lord.  I cared enough.  I studied.  I obeyed.  But you didn’t answer even some of my simple questions.  I don’t read the Bible and I don’t listen to what you have to say anymore because….., well, because I don’t trust you anymore.”

Instead of feeling fear, shame and embarrassment for talking to God in such a manner, I felt peace.  “What the heck is going on here?”  I asked myself.  I felt great!  I felt like the weight of the world was just lifted off my shoulders.  Silent tears streamed down both sides of my face but they were tears of relief for admitting what’s been hiding in my heart since January. “I’m sorry, God.  But I don’t know how to get over it.”

Here I was sticking it to the Sovereign Creator of the Universe about how I felt He’d done me wrong, and instead of punishing me;  He wrapped His comforting arms around me.  I was quickly reminded of what I loved about this God in the first place.  God deeply cares about little ole’ me.  He cares about my frustrations.  He cares that I feel abandoned by Him even though it isn’t warranted.  And while I am still at a complete loss for why so many of the questions I have about election, the Sabbath, wine, homosexuality, creation, Catholicism and the like continue to go unanswered;  I realized that the answers are all in God, so I can relax and stop trying to figure them all out.  He loves me, and really doesn’t care in the least about whether or not I’m winning any Bible trivia.  He doesn’t care about what denomination I am.  He cares about my heart and my desire to know and love Him.  And for now, that seems to be good enough.  It might not be good enough for my church.  Or even good enough for me.  But it appears, much to my surprise, it's good enough for God.

As we ended our conversation, I didn’t promise to start back with my devotionals first thing in the morning just because we’d made amends.  I didn’t feel I needed to.  But this morning, I did take my Bible off the shelf where it’s been hiding.  I wiped it down and placed it in a more conspicuous place while silently thanking Him for last night’s break through and I’ve even glanced at it a couple of times from across the room.   

He and I came to no real solution for my lack of interest in Scripture, but we did come to an agreement.  I would be responsible for continuing to show love toward my neighbor, to ask for forgiveness and to seek it, and to constantly pray for the needs of others.  It would simply be my job to exercise my faith in a loving God and for now, we'd just leave all that complex theological stuff to Him. 

So that’s what I plan to do…..

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12 Comments

  • Maureen

    Maureen May 17, 2011

    Great post!

  • Judy

    Judy May 17, 2011

    Jessica - I’ve thought about you often when your visits to the different churches stopped and I wondered what was going to be your next project.  Have you considered reading Biblical novels (free at many libraries) and reporting on them?  Some novelists take a concept and run with it, and their book turns out to be nothing like the Bible.  Others try to stick close to Scripture and just make the stories more interesting to the general public. Such an endeavor would give you something to blog about, and you might get interested in another project along the path.  Blessings, Judy

  • Scott

    Scott May 17, 2011

    Luke 12:6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?  (7)  But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

  • Scott

    Scott May 17, 2011

    Luke 12:27-34 Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  (28)  If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?  (29)  And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind.  (30)  For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: and your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things.  (31)  But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you.  (32)  Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  (33)  Sell that ye have, and give alms; provide yourselves bags which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief approacheth, neither moth corrupteth.  (34)  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

  • Scott

    Scott May 18, 2011

    I had a professor several years ago. He was 78 years old. He came to class one day praising God because during his Bible reading that morning, God opened his eyes to something in a passage that he had not noticed before. This man has been in the service of the Lord for over 40 years and he is still learning things about the Bible.

    I’m still learning things and I have been saved 10 years and I hope I never stop learning. So, Jessica, you cannot expect to understand everything in one year. But do not let that stop you from reading the Bible, it is God’s written revelation to us. When you read it, you need to see it as a whole book, not 66 separate books.

    Consider this, when you read a novel, do you start on page 250? And then after reading a little, do you jump to page 58? The next day, do you flip the pages and randomly stick your finger in? No, you start at page 1 and continue to the end.

    Your questions sound a lot like Habakkuk’s questions and like the Book of Job…

  • Dave VT

    Dave VT May 18, 2011

    Is the bible written in chronological order?


    http://www.bibleplan.org/c/nkjv/


    Are the books of the bible in chronological order?  Is the order of the books of the bible inspired? 


    http://ichthys.com/mail-Bible chrono.htm


    Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve joked about this but there is certainly merit in reading the bible “straight through” from cover to cover.  But there is also merit in reading it chronologically.  There is also merit in focusing on just the Gospels for a time or delving into the Old Testament for a while.  There is merit in reading the books written by the same authors back to back.

  • Scott

    Scott May 18, 2011

    Dave, Your second link did not connect.

    No, the order of the books is not in chronological order. And no, I do not believe that the order of the books is necessarily inspired.

    The point is that the Bible needs to be read. I endorse a “In” to “Amen” approach, but some reading plans do little of OT and NT. I believe that everyone should try to read every book of the Bible at least once a year. A chronological approach is fine, but not every plan has the same chronology.

    I do worry about the amount of dust that has built up in Jessica’s house, if she had to “wipe off” the Bible….

  • Scott

    Scott May 18, 2011

    Jessica, my last post to you unless you reply:

    Romans 10:17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

    2Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:  (17)  That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.

    2Timothy 2:15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

    You said: “It would simply be my job to exercise my faith in a loving God and for now, we’d just leave all that complex theological stuff to Him.”

    How are you going to exercise your faith without His Word? Faith is built up through the Word of God. And to build up your faith “muscle” you need to give it a good spiritual workout daily. Note the exercise references in 1 Timothy 4:

    1Timothy 4:6-8 If thou put the brethren in remembrance of these things, thou shalt be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished up in the words of faith and of good doctrine, whereunto thou hast attained.  (7)  But refuse profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.  (8)  For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come.


    As for the so-called “complex theological stuff”, work on getting the basics (the foundation)down first, then build from there. I am willing to help you with that.

  • Scott

    Scott June 11, 2011

    I realize that I said I would not say anymore, but here is a link you might find interesting, Jessica…
    http://firstbaptistfernwood.com/2011/06/gods-wisdom/

  • term paper

    term paper June 13, 2011

    You mustn’t quit! No!

  • Scott
  • Dave VT

    Dave VT July 02, 2011

    Just a starting point:

    http://youtu.be/m-NoRbPEPzs

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