Reigniting that old flame

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Every cell in my body feels like I should be writing.  Because of that, I have spent the last year and a half considering topics.  I've gone from motherhood, to healthy living, to decorating, a cooking blog, etc.  I get incredibly excited about the ideas and in a few days, the novelty wears off and I get side tracked by the goings on of being a new mom.  I go back to my Ground Hog's Day of bottle, nap, play with toys, bottle, nap, play with toys.  Oh and of course diaper changes; can't forget about those.  But after a few weeks go by, I feel that desire again.  That pull to escape the every day mundane and put the pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard...whatever.  Only to bat around new ideas on topics and do the entire process over again. Enthusaism to get back into the blogging game, followed by no follow through. No topic really feels quite "right".  I imagine it's because 52 Prayers was so incredibly exciting for me that any new subject pales in comparison.  I mean, what is more exciting than disecting our life's purpose and searching for meaning in God?  So I give up on the idea of writing and go back to my life, and occasionally I pathetically day dream about how awesome the year 2010 was.  
Every time the topic of blogging comes up my husband just tells me to write.  "Who cares what you write about?!" he asks.  "I care!" I say like a protesting tween.  "Nothing interests me like that did."   And in an annoying whiney voice I reiterate the same thing I've been saying since 52 Prayers ended.  "I just wish I could continue writing about religion, but I can't write about 52 Prayers anymore because the year is over.  I can't go back.  It's not called 53 Prayers, or 112 Prayers.  I did my 52.  It will never be what it was so what's the point?" 
To me, blogging about God again is like trying to reignite an old flame.  You look back and romanticize the relationship and only remember the good stuff.  In doing so, you think maybe it's worth giving it another shot because you feel out of sorts being single.  You admit the truth to yourself; you're lonely. So you call or text and discover that lucky for you, they're lonely too.  The two of you decide to go and meet. When you see them again you're surprised that the rush of old feelings don't come back full force like you had anticipated. No, not at all.  Instead, you notice their hair line is receding.  And ya know, they are a heck of a lot shorter and fatter than you remembered them.  You never realized how jacked up their bottom teeth were.  The attraction is gone.  Actually, you kinda wondered what you ever saw in them in the first place.  And now look what you've done.  Not only can you not go back to the joy of that relationship, but you've even ruined the fond memories you had because now all you can do is visualize that short, fat, balding guy with jacked up teeth.  So I decide not to blog about religion.  I take the posts I write between naps and save them in my email drafts just for my own personal reading pleasure.  But I don't dare upload them to my blog.  I can't.  I want to remember that year as the best year of my life, filled with the rush of excitement that only a new budding romance can bring.  
But here I am today.  Still contemplating why I have this strong desire nearly two years later if I am certain the season has passed? Why am I still thumbing through old blog posts smiling from ear to ear.  Why when anyone brings up the subject of religion do my eyes light up?  Why when I get an email from some stranger who stumbled upon my blog asking me about my thoughts on a random religious group do I spend days thinking about their philosophies? How do I explain that surge of energy that bursts inside me every time I hear someone mention God's grace?  Could it be that I am that anomaly that gets back with the ex after years of being broken up only to find that we were soul mates all along?

 

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